Left the exam hall in a good mood and went to meet my boyfriend who told me straight away that I looked gorgeous, lifting the mood even higher, and I even thought to myself that having a meal out with him might be alright... until I actually got into the restaurant. I sat myself down and the dread came, the dread before a huge plate of food comes before you and it smells so good and you know you can't just eat it all because you'll be ballooning out of your clothes in no time. I ordered a large bottle of water and drank a few glasses before the meal came to fill me up so I ate less. I got beef teriyaki, it's delicious and the beef is so raw it's still bleeding, so obviously it has no time to absorb the awful oils they cook it in. (At least, that's what I tell myself). I ate not even half of the noodles (carefully removing anything they'd thrown into the mix like fried onions and chillis and stuff, they're so greasebound) and about 3/4 of the beef and I was really stuffed. My boyfriend had all of our duck gyoza side AND all of his main meal so I swapped our plates around and he munched through the rest of mine too. He was hungover, the alcohol had to be absorbed by something I guess. The woman who served us came over and took away my plate while my boyfriend was finishing mine off. She must have thought I'd eaten the whole thing, she probably thought I was a fat bitch. She'd be right. But it's good isn't it? Fooling somebody I don't even know into thinking I have a normal appetite.
We left, and on the bus home to my house he asked me if I'd make him a chocolate orange brownie, he really loves my baking and I didn't want to refuse him. Stopped off at asda and picked up the ingredients (yet again thinking the woman at the till was probably calling me a fat bitch in her head, a huge bar of dark chocolate and
chocolate orange too) and threw it together and into the oven as quick as I could. And my god, it smelled so good. And I was still totally full from my meal, but it didn't stop me from having a few spoonfuls. I felt disgusting as I was running myself a bath, looking at my stomach in the mirror thinking about how I could have EASILY refused just a few mouthfuls of fucking cake. And now it's in there. Sitting right in my stomach and making me a complete whale.
I stayed in my boyfriends that night and we had wine, yet another 500 calories to add to my already huge frame. So my mind switched into gear and I told myself "tomorrow, zero calories", and it worked. I've had nothing. I left my boyfriends early so there was no time for him to fry me up a sausage sandwich (a habit of his, which is lovely but God I wish he wouldn't sometimes), had an appointment with the bank to get a new account for the wages from my new job to go into, keep them separate from my student loan, and then my mum was off to work and I told her I'd throw a pizza in the oven. But I threw it in the bin instead. Better than down my throat.
The rest of the day I've spent revising for this exam I have tomorrow, my mind is completely off food, I'm not even feeling hungry.
Thinspo for myself I reckon, a copy of vogue at my side and a few google searches can't harm.
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