Sitting in university... I don't think anyone can read this. I have my back to a window but they'd have to have super good vision to be able to see what I'm typing.
This is just a short one, to say I've been doing really badly lately and that's why I haven't posted. If I wrote every day about how bad I was doing it would probably make me feel worst than I already did, so I like to try and forget those days.
Woke up this morning, went back to sleep, had a stupidly bad dream about aliens, got up again, brushed my teeth and did the "I can't have breakfast, I've brushed my teeth now and it will taste awful" routine.
And I haven't had anything yet. I know it's only 2:15pm but I'm not even hungry in the slightest. I haven't had water or anything. Maybe my body is finally on my side.
I'm gonna roast half a sweet potato when I get in, which is gonna be 100 cals at the most. I don't know how may it is but apprently, a whole boiled sweet potato is 115. According to some website. Eat it really slowly.
And that should do.
I'll get to bed early.
I'll watch a few films in bed.
Wish me luck, I'm thinking starting a fast tomorrow, to last for a few days.
Who's with me?!
5 Feb 2010
31 Jan 2010
This weekend.
I ended up out on Friday night drinking wine, I had about a bottle and a half on an empty stomach and the next day I felt so sick. Walked around town all morning looking for a half decent clutch bag that I could take out with me that night. Ended up in topshop looking like a zombie and picking the first black and gold one I saw. It's nice.
I bought a pint of skimmed milk from tesco too, I always drink milk when I'm hungover, but it made me feel worse. Got home and just slept and when I woke up my mum was cooking me dinner. She made me potato waffles and put wafer thin ham on. She made it coz I liked it when I was sick when I was a kid. It was really nice of her but I told her it would make me feel worse and that I'd eat at my friends house later that night.
But I didn't, and I went out that night still feeling worse for wear. Just drank glasses of water which wasn't bad because my friends were making a real idiots of themselves being drunk. I was just adding up the calories they were drinking. I think magners is 125 or something. I thought it would be way more.
Anyway I ended up home early because I was just not feeling it. I just needed sleep and my body was running on nothing. And the snow didn't help. Heels + snow = bbbaaaaddd.
Got up today and had a roast shoved in my face. I managed all of my broccoli (negative calories are winners), about half my chicken breast and a few bites of the mash. And that's it for today.
My stomach feels all bloated, been trying to get it back down with water but it's not working. My boyfriends over soon, no doubt he'll try and make me eat something.
BUT I start my new semester of university tomorrow! Meaning loads of time away from home, meaning loads of time away from prying eyes, meaning loads of time away from food!!
Anybody love Uma like me? She's been the same weight forever, she's naturally gorgeous.
I bought a pint of skimmed milk from tesco too, I always drink milk when I'm hungover, but it made me feel worse. Got home and just slept and when I woke up my mum was cooking me dinner. She made me potato waffles and put wafer thin ham on. She made it coz I liked it when I was sick when I was a kid. It was really nice of her but I told her it would make me feel worse and that I'd eat at my friends house later that night.
But I didn't, and I went out that night still feeling worse for wear. Just drank glasses of water which wasn't bad because my friends were making a real idiots of themselves being drunk. I was just adding up the calories they were drinking. I think magners is 125 or something. I thought it would be way more.
Anyway I ended up home early because I was just not feeling it. I just needed sleep and my body was running on nothing. And the snow didn't help. Heels + snow = bbbaaaaddd.
Got up today and had a roast shoved in my face. I managed all of my broccoli (negative calories are winners), about half my chicken breast and a few bites of the mash. And that's it for today.
My stomach feels all bloated, been trying to get it back down with water but it's not working. My boyfriends over soon, no doubt he'll try and make me eat something.
BUT I start my new semester of university tomorrow! Meaning loads of time away from home, meaning loads of time away from prying eyes, meaning loads of time away from food!!
Anybody love Uma like me? She's been the same weight forever, she's naturally gorgeous.
28 Jan 2010
Ohmygodddddd.
I did eat those chicken things yesterday, I was watching them fry away in corn oil thinking "Just eat a few and say you've already had dinner" but I just couldn't do it. I hate lying to my boyfriend. He asked me what I'd had today and I said "nothing", and he gave me the knowing glance, the usual reply of "Not again baby".
And so I ate a load to make him feel better. Chicken breast cut into bits > flour > buttermilk > flour > oil > stomach. I regret it so much. It's like the biggest meal I've had in months. I'm still full from it and we had them at 6pm last night.
I just lay in bed after it, and he knew what was up, and he was telling me that it was for the best to have a load of food to get my energy up for exams, and he was probably right in that sense, but my god it was bad. I vow not to eat anything until Saturday night. But that's where the problem starts.
I'm going out Saturday, a sort of post-exam celebration, and I usually don't drink alcohol when I'm out because I have to eat SOMETHING before it (to stop myself from being sick or getting drunk super fast), but this time I really wanna celebrate. I can't drink bottles of wine without eating anything, but I can't eat anything if I wanna wear this new dress I bought.
If anyone has ideas to get around my problem, you'll be a lifesaver.
I'm going to revise now, mind off food. Look at this gorgeous sportmax girl!
And so I ate a load to make him feel better. Chicken breast cut into bits > flour > buttermilk > flour > oil > stomach. I regret it so much. It's like the biggest meal I've had in months. I'm still full from it and we had them at 6pm last night.
I just lay in bed after it, and he knew what was up, and he was telling me that it was for the best to have a load of food to get my energy up for exams, and he was probably right in that sense, but my god it was bad. I vow not to eat anything until Saturday night. But that's where the problem starts.
I'm going out Saturday, a sort of post-exam celebration, and I usually don't drink alcohol when I'm out because I have to eat SOMETHING before it (to stop myself from being sick or getting drunk super fast), but this time I really wanna celebrate. I can't drink bottles of wine without eating anything, but I can't eat anything if I wanna wear this new dress I bought.
If anyone has ideas to get around my problem, you'll be a lifesaver.
I'm going to revise now, mind off food. Look at this gorgeous sportmax girl!
27 Jan 2010
Something short;
To keep me going for the rest of the day.
Been up since about 7am revising.
Yesterday I didn't consume a single calorie, superb.
But my boyfriend is coming over to stay and he's found a recipe in a book (I knew I shouldn't have bought it for him :P) for like chicken things... that you have to FRY. And he's really up for making it, so I have to do it with him, and that means that's our dinner. FRIED CHICKEN. I must drink bottles upon bottles of water beforehand so I'm already full, and blag that I've had a million calories already.
Jourdan Dunn anyone?
Been up since about 7am revising.
Yesterday I didn't consume a single calorie, superb.
But my boyfriend is coming over to stay and he's found a recipe in a book (I knew I shouldn't have bought it for him :P) for like chicken things... that you have to FRY. And he's really up for making it, so I have to do it with him, and that means that's our dinner. FRIED CHICKEN. I must drink bottles upon bottles of water beforehand so I'm already full, and blag that I've had a million calories already.
Jourdan Dunn anyone?
26 Jan 2010
Things are just fineeee.
Yesterday I didn't eat all day at university and bought a huge bottle of water to keep my mind focused in my exam, and I actually think it went ok considering I didn't revise as much as I could have. So that was good. But then I ruined it, big time.
Left the exam hall in a good mood and went to meet my boyfriend who told me straight away that I looked gorgeous, lifting the mood even higher, and I even thought to myself that having a meal out with him might be alright... until I actually got into the restaurant. I sat myself down and the dread came, the dread before a huge plate of food comes before you and it smells so good and you know you can't just eat it all because you'll be ballooning out of your clothes in no time. I ordered a large bottle of water and drank a few glasses before the meal came to fill me up so I ate less. I got beef teriyaki, it's delicious and the beef is so raw it's still bleeding, so obviously it has no time to absorb the awful oils they cook it in. (At least, that's what I tell myself). I ate not even half of the noodles (carefully removing anything they'd thrown into the mix like fried onions and chillis and stuff, they're so greasebound) and about 3/4 of the beef and I was really stuffed. My boyfriend had all of our duck gyoza side AND all of his main meal so I swapped our plates around and he munched through the rest of mine too. He was hungover, the alcohol had to be absorbed by something I guess. The woman who served us came over and took away my plate while my boyfriend was finishing mine off. She must have thought I'd eaten the whole thing, she probably thought I was a fat bitch. She'd be right. But it's good isn't it? Fooling somebody I don't even know into thinking I have a normal appetite.
We left, and on the bus home to my house he asked me if I'd make him a chocolate orange brownie, he really loves my baking and I didn't want to refuse him. Stopped off at asda and picked up the ingredients (yet again thinking the woman at the till was probably calling me a fat bitch in her head, a huge bar of dark chocolate and
chocolate orange too) and threw it together and into the oven as quick as I could. And my god, it smelled so good. And I was still totally full from my meal, but it didn't stop me from having a few spoonfuls. I felt disgusting as I was running myself a bath, looking at my stomach in the mirror thinking about how I could have EASILY refused just a few mouthfuls of fucking cake. And now it's in there. Sitting right in my stomach and making me a complete whale.
I stayed in my boyfriends that night and we had wine, yet another 500 calories to add to my already huge frame. So my mind switched into gear and I told myself "tomorrow, zero calories", and it worked. I've had nothing. I left my boyfriends early so there was no time for him to fry me up a sausage sandwich (a habit of his, which is lovely but God I wish he wouldn't sometimes), had an appointment with the bank to get a new account for the wages from my new job to go into, keep them separate from my student loan, and then my mum was off to work and I told her I'd throw a pizza in the oven. But I threw it in the bin instead. Better than down my throat.
The rest of the day I've spent revising for this exam I have tomorrow, my mind is completely off food, I'm not even feeling hungry.
Thinspo for myself I reckon, a copy of vogue at my side and a few google searches can't harm.
Left the exam hall in a good mood and went to meet my boyfriend who told me straight away that I looked gorgeous, lifting the mood even higher, and I even thought to myself that having a meal out with him might be alright... until I actually got into the restaurant. I sat myself down and the dread came, the dread before a huge plate of food comes before you and it smells so good and you know you can't just eat it all because you'll be ballooning out of your clothes in no time. I ordered a large bottle of water and drank a few glasses before the meal came to fill me up so I ate less. I got beef teriyaki, it's delicious and the beef is so raw it's still bleeding, so obviously it has no time to absorb the awful oils they cook it in. (At least, that's what I tell myself). I ate not even half of the noodles (carefully removing anything they'd thrown into the mix like fried onions and chillis and stuff, they're so greasebound) and about 3/4 of the beef and I was really stuffed. My boyfriend had all of our duck gyoza side AND all of his main meal so I swapped our plates around and he munched through the rest of mine too. He was hungover, the alcohol had to be absorbed by something I guess. The woman who served us came over and took away my plate while my boyfriend was finishing mine off. She must have thought I'd eaten the whole thing, she probably thought I was a fat bitch. She'd be right. But it's good isn't it? Fooling somebody I don't even know into thinking I have a normal appetite.
We left, and on the bus home to my house he asked me if I'd make him a chocolate orange brownie, he really loves my baking and I didn't want to refuse him. Stopped off at asda and picked up the ingredients (yet again thinking the woman at the till was probably calling me a fat bitch in her head, a huge bar of dark chocolate and
chocolate orange too) and threw it together and into the oven as quick as I could. And my god, it smelled so good. And I was still totally full from my meal, but it didn't stop me from having a few spoonfuls. I felt disgusting as I was running myself a bath, looking at my stomach in the mirror thinking about how I could have EASILY refused just a few mouthfuls of fucking cake. And now it's in there. Sitting right in my stomach and making me a complete whale.
I stayed in my boyfriends that night and we had wine, yet another 500 calories to add to my already huge frame. So my mind switched into gear and I told myself "tomorrow, zero calories", and it worked. I've had nothing. I left my boyfriends early so there was no time for him to fry me up a sausage sandwich (a habit of his, which is lovely but God I wish he wouldn't sometimes), had an appointment with the bank to get a new account for the wages from my new job to go into, keep them separate from my student loan, and then my mum was off to work and I told her I'd throw a pizza in the oven. But I threw it in the bin instead. Better than down my throat.
The rest of the day I've spent revising for this exam I have tomorrow, my mind is completely off food, I'm not even feeling hungry.
Thinspo for myself I reckon, a copy of vogue at my side and a few google searches can't harm.
24 Jan 2010
Post one. I'm terrified.
I've never wanted to talk openly about this type of thing, but something sparked and I thought it might be a good idea. I'm already a member of myfitnesspal, which in a way helps me out a bit in showing me how much I'm failing by eating so fuckin much... but sometimes I'd rather talk about my feelings, and adding foods into an online diary and counting calories sometimes doesn't cut it.
So here I am, writing away like somebody will actually read it. I suppose it's easier than keeping my current written diary. And there's no chance of one of my friends of family going under my bed and finding this. I'm not overly good with computers, or organisation, so each post will probably be a mess of words with no real structure, but it's alright really... It's better than my mind being a mess of words with no real structure, right?
Also, if someone decides to use my blog as some sort of "pro ana", "thinspirational" scenario then go right ahead, I do exactly the same thing. But I ask you PLEASE don't tell me. It would kill me if I knew that I was causing other people the same problems that I'm going through. This is my output, it would be crazy if I knew it was somebody elses input.
Today I got up quite late, I'd been up all night for no real reason, flicking through my tv channels knowing full well nothing was on, texting my boyfriend who works late weekends (sorry that I'm not putting full details, I'd hate someone to find this and know it was me...) and thinking about my exams that I have through next week. I grabbed a straberry nutrigrain bar and ate it, getting that awful feeling after every single bite. I knew I had to eat something because my mum's been funny with me recently. I don't think she'll say anything too bad, but she's hinting. You know what I mean.
I've been doing university work since, keeping my mind off things, but I know the inevitable Sunday roast is on it's way. I've told my mum to steam my chicken and vegetables, and that I'll make mashed potato because the thought of eating potatoes that have roasted in fat from my family's pork is making me feel ill. In fact, I'd better go and make it quick so I don't have to eat anything from 6pm onwards.
Wish me luck.
So here I am, writing away like somebody will actually read it. I suppose it's easier than keeping my current written diary. And there's no chance of one of my friends of family going under my bed and finding this. I'm not overly good with computers, or organisation, so each post will probably be a mess of words with no real structure, but it's alright really... It's better than my mind being a mess of words with no real structure, right?
Also, if someone decides to use my blog as some sort of "pro ana", "thinspirational" scenario then go right ahead, I do exactly the same thing. But I ask you PLEASE don't tell me. It would kill me if I knew that I was causing other people the same problems that I'm going through. This is my output, it would be crazy if I knew it was somebody elses input.
Today I got up quite late, I'd been up all night for no real reason, flicking through my tv channels knowing full well nothing was on, texting my boyfriend who works late weekends (sorry that I'm not putting full details, I'd hate someone to find this and know it was me...) and thinking about my exams that I have through next week. I grabbed a straberry nutrigrain bar and ate it, getting that awful feeling after every single bite. I knew I had to eat something because my mum's been funny with me recently. I don't think she'll say anything too bad, but she's hinting. You know what I mean.
I've been doing university work since, keeping my mind off things, but I know the inevitable Sunday roast is on it's way. I've told my mum to steam my chicken and vegetables, and that I'll make mashed potato because the thought of eating potatoes that have roasted in fat from my family's pork is making me feel ill. In fact, I'd better go and make it quick so I don't have to eat anything from 6pm onwards.
Wish me luck.
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